I Don't Know

I don't know what life is right now. It's like I can't do anything, I'm entirely incapable of getting my life on track. I keep hurting myself and I don't know why. I don't even realize that I'm damaging myself until the deed is already done. How can I fix myself when I can barely have a complete thought? Today I even just laid on the floor and "typed out" my thoughts into the carpet. Crazy right? I'm fucking coo coo for cocoa puffs. I understand those people that do things to feel whole/needed now. I just can't seem to let some go because I feel cared for even though it doesn't seem like they really do. I deny myself the confidence of care. I won't accept the thought of people caring for me. I always feel like it's some big conspiracy. My nonbestfriend could do better, she could easily drop me and she could go on with her life while I lose the closest friend I have. That's how I feel towards practically everyone. People who I thought were my friends don't seem as such no matter what. I love them, I really do, but I can't give them my all because I'm so hesitant. My suspicions make me hesitant to commit to a simple friendship because it would be so easy to break me. I'm so tired of being broken. I want to be fixed and fucking move on with my life. I want to go move to an entirely new place where no one except my mom, steven and nonbestfriends can find me. I want to start new. I want to make my life a fucking adventure that I'll never forget. But for now I feel like a hobo, staying at a whore house, unable to take care of herself.

In all the books and movies that relate, there are supposed to be fireworks or some type of spark in that first kiss. But what if you just feel an overwhelming warmth that makes you feel at home? You're comfortable with this new person and they make you want more. What if all you wanted was to find your way home and this is how you get there. Could it be possible that the more you care for this person, the more the sparks show? Love does not have to be at first sight. Love can grow and you grow along with it. You'll be lucky enough to find a person that's worth it, so why judge it on the first kiss. Don't judge it on that. That can change, you can change, they can change and then it will all fit. Then don't let go, consider yourself lucky.

Everything Feels Different

I don't know if it's the meds, recent events or the book I just read but everything is different. Everything that our world gears toward seems incredibly stupid. Flashy cars, diamonds, fame, even money. I understand money is almost necessary to sustain our most barest essentials but do we really need to stash millions of dollars in the bank while other people are in great need? The arguments about this subject is tired and so annoying that I'm getting frustrated even writing this because all I hear are accusations about each other that isn't entirely true and neither side can even be bothered to straighten out their facts. Not all homeless people are alcohol/drug addicts. Young adults that don't go to post-secondary (by choice) are not all lazy fuck ups or spoiled children. Not all rich people are snobby bitches who would use a dollar to wipe their rear ends. Accusations suck. Everyone should just man up and throw away their pride. Because while pride does fuel ambition, it can also close you off from seeing everything.

And why is American youth dying? Seven year-olds dress like slutty teenagers and high school kids are the immature little fucks that can't take anything seriously (especially the male population). What is wrong with our society? Gosh people make me so sick! I'm not saying I'm any better either, but I'm changing. I've been changing and fighting all of that for as long as I can remember. All of this is becoming the new norm and we are all just letting it. Doesn't that bother enough people to cause a change? What can we do about it?

This is nowhere near the end of my rant but I really just don't want to go on with it. It's just all different, this is only scratching the surface of what I'm thinking about.

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I love to read

I have been reading a lot lately and a majority are cute love stories. They're amazingly well written and have loveable characters. Everytime I put one down, finished, I miss them instantly. I want to go back to their worlds and stay with them and live in their stories. Whenever I finish a series I feel lost. Depending on how attached I get, I could feel lost for days. Not knowing what to do, wanting to start a new one but not wanting to leave them behind. Then the characters have such sweet and amazing relationships thy its lovely to see them bloom but it hurts at the same time. My medication kind of numbs my feelings but I still feel it in my chest. Sometimes I feel like I could either cry or be excited but I can't tell the difference so all I feel is the pressure on my chest. I don't know how to deal with it but I can't stop reading ><

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I Have No 'Best Friend'

Instead I have a few friends that I care for a lot. I don't want to label them as best friends because best friends always leave. So I'm thinking about it and I wonder if maybe that's why I run away whenever I start to get too close to a guy. There are some obvious factors that go into the equation also, but what if this is connected too? I am so fucked up in the head that I can't get close to people and maybe I never will? It really sucks to think that. I mean, if you felt so lonely it hurts and realize you might always be like that... What would you do? It worries me. I don't know what to do about it.

I know my lovelies are there for me but there will always be a part of me on guard, no matter how close we are. That's just how I am. So if one day I were to get married, does that mean ill never be happy in my marriage?

Of course I'm overthinking it, but its better than thinking of other things. "/

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"The hummingbird symbolizes many different concepts. Because of its speed, the hummingbird is known as a messenger and stopper of time. It is also a symbol of love, joy, and beauty. The hummingbird is also able to fly backwards, teaching us that we can look back on our past. But, this bird also teaches that we must not dwell on our past; we need to move forward. When the hummingbird hovers over flowers while drinking nectar, we learn that we should savour each moment, and appreciate the things we love. The hummingbird has powerful spiritual significance. In the Andes of South America the hummingbird is a symbol of resurrection. It seems to die on cold nights, but comes back to life again at sunrise. Hummingbird is the creature that opens the heart. When the hurt that caused us to close our hearts gets a chance to heal, our hearts are free to open again. With hummingbird consciousness, we learn the truth of beauty. Our life becomes a wonderland of delights in flowers, aromas and tastes. We laugh and enjoy creation, we appreciate the magic of the present moment, and the magic of being alive. Hummingbird teaches us the medicinal properties of plants and how to work with the energy of flowers to heal ourselves and others. Hummingbirds teach us fierce independence. They teach us to fight in a way where no one gets hurt. They teach us courage. Having the courage to refrain from creating new trauma by communicating non-violently toward ourselves and others is an important part of healing. Recovering lost parts of ourselves enables us to become healthily independent. It is not commonly known that the fluttering wings of the hummingbird move in the pattern of an infinity symbol - further solidifying their symbolism of eternity, continuity, and infinity. By observing the Hummingbird, we see they are seemingly tireless. Always actively seeking the sweetest nectar, they remind us to forever seek out the good in life and the beauty in each day. Amazing migrators, some Hummingbirds are known to wing their way as far as 2000 miles to reach their destination. This quality reminds us to be persistent in the pursuit of our dreams, and adopt the tenacity of the Hummingbird in our lives. "

So I've been thinking about what tattoo I want lately and actually trying to figure out the design. I am constantly thinking of little sayings or phrases that mean something to me and would like it tattooed but, well, I'd be like a human book and that's a bit too much right? so I was thinking of something like this hummingbird image (found online) and tweaking it so that it's actually drawn out in words so to speak. I don't know if that makes sense but I have an idea and I really like it. I'll try to draw it out sometime and post it or something. Of course I won't be getting it until I move out but I love the symbolism of the hummingbird and it's really hard for me to ignore. It's like optimism and encouragement for myself without having it be out there for everyone to see. Even if someone were to see it they wouldn't necessarily understand it either. My little secret. It'll be on my back ribs, right side. Painful I know, but honestly it'd be worth it. Something for myself that I won't be judged for everyday, a gift. Whenever I go through these bad times in life, I'd be able to look at it and think that I've been able to get through so many things and I can get through this too. I'm thinking to get it when everything feels better, when I can actually smile and have it show in my eyes and tug at my heart. A battle scar of sorts. So I can remember everything, but at the same time remember to move on and keep going forward to better things.

Mia: I don't mind if you do, but if I get annoying don't feel obligated or anything lol. Love you<3

And I just realized I have a hummingbird in my background. It's a sign. :]

I know my shit is depressing, sorry mia >< just ignore me for awhile. This is my only outlet.

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